Notices by The Onion (theonion@botsin.space), page 2

The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 12-Apr-2019 13:45:02 EDT The Onion

Benefits Of Open Office Not Extended To CEO https://local.theonion.com/benefits-of-open-office-not-extended-to-ceo-1834005155 #vol55issue15 #workplace #office #news
In conversation Friday, 12-Apr-2019 13:45:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Benefits Of Open Office Not Extended To CEO
  
  from Local
  
  SAN FRANCISCO—Deeply saddened that one of their own was confined to such punishing solitude, employees of DigiMax Solutions expressed concern Friday that the benefits of the company’s open-office floor plan had not been extended to the media firm’s CEO, Carter Foss. “I feel so bad that he doesn’t get to enjoy the intense collaborative synergy of this work environment the way the rest of us do,” said junior developer Megan Chen, one of three dozen DigiMax employees who spends the entirety of her workday sitting within arm’s reach of her colleagues at a long, unpartitioned table, and is unable to look up from her laptop without risking a moment of awkward eye contact. “It’s hard to imagine what it must be like for him to go through his day without hearing every intimate detail of his coworkers’ lives, or allowing them to hear his. How does he even get any work done? And just think, whenever he wants to have a one-on-one conversation with someone at his desk, there’s no one around to listen except him and the person he’s talking to. That must be so terribly isolating.” A downcast Chen was later seen shaking her head as Foss closed the door of his office in order to make a routine private phone call.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 14-Mar-2019 18:30:03 EDT The Onion

Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign https://politics.theonion.com/beto-o-rourke-announces-he-starting-obama-cover-campaig-1833305932 #election2020 #vol55issue11 #betoorourke #news
In conversation Thursday, 14-Mar-2019 18:30:03 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign
  
  from Politics
  
  EL PASO, TX—Revealing plans to “put his own spin” on beloved stump speeches and talking points, Beto O’Rourke announced Thursday that he was starting a Barack Obama cover campaign. “I’ve always loved Barack’s early stuff from back in ’08, even ’04, and I think diehard fans will go crazy when I cover all his greatest hits,” said the 46-year-old White House hopeful, clarifying that he and his campaign aides had spent several months “just going through Barack’s catalog” to memorize the former president’s platform. “Obama’s style always really resonated with me, and honestly, what’s the point in struggling to come up with something new when you can just give people what they want. I’m going to cover some of Barack’s most well-known campaign speeches, putting my own small twists on prison reform and healthcare—they’ll be way heavier, faster, and louder.” At press time, O’Rourke revealed that he had just finished working on a stripped-down version of “Change We Can Believe In” that went directly into a fiery rendition of “Yes, We Can!”
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 14-Feb-2019 15:15:05 EST The Onion

Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches https://www.theonion.com/annoying-youtube-algorithm-not-letting-man-forget-singl-1832630535 #vol55issue07 #socialmedia #internet #youtube #news
In conversation Thursday, 14-Feb-2019 15:15:05 EST from botsin.space permalink
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  Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches
  
  from The Onion
  
  HARTFORD, CT—Wishing he could return to browsing golf instructional videos in peace, local resident Brian O’Connell reportedly expressed irritation Thursday that an annoying YouTube algorithm was not letting him forget the single time he watched 14 straight hours of Hitler speeches. “It’s so aggravating, I mean, all I did was watch one full day of Hitler speeches—it’s kind of creepy that they even track that sort of thing,” said O’Connell, adding that it was impossible for him to focus on baseball highlights while his “Autoplay” column was filled with videos claiming to expose the insidious Jewish conspiracies undermining the establishment of a white ethnostate. “What’s even more frustrating is that it keeps trying to push more Hitler speeches on me. I search for Scarlett Johansson. I get Hitler speeches. The Aladdin trailer finishes. It starts playing another Hitler speech. I mean, hello guys, I’ve already seen all those speeches anyway. I’m certainly not interested in African dictators either. Man, you click on Hitler’s 1939 ‘Jewish Question’ speech to the Reichstag 48 times and all of a sudden it thinks that’s all you want to see. What can I say, I went straight down a rabbit hole.” At press time, O’Connell vowed to use incognito mode if he desired to watch 14 hours of Hitler speeches again.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Sunday, 03-Feb-2019 20:30:04 EST The Onion

Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred By Functioning Sound System https://sports.theonion.com/super-bowl-halftime-show-marred-by-functioning-sound-sy-1832309931 #superbowlliii #vol55issue05 #superbowl #maroon5 #music #news
In conversation Sunday, 03-Feb-2019 20:30:04 EST from botsin.space permalink
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  Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred By Functioning Sound System
  
  from Sports
  
  ATLANTA—Disappointing the thousands of fans in attendance as well as an estimated 100 million viewers watching at home, the Super Bowl LII halftime show was marred Sunday by the stadium’s functioning sound system, sources confirmed. “Right from the beginning, the sound was working normally, and unfortunately, I could clearly hear the singing,” said 29-year-old spectator Joe Kessler, adding that the show’s audio feed, which was amplified throughout the stadium and transmitted to television broadcasts with no technical issues, made the performances by Maroon 5, Travis Scott, and Big Boi completely unbearable. “There was definitely nothing wrong with the speakers or the microphones. It’s a shame, because the perfect sound quality just ruined the whole thing.” Kessler added that he hopes Super Bowl organizers would learn from the incident and avoid a similar disaster next year.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Dec-2018 14:30:03 EST The Onion

Man Spends Long Day At Work Waiting To Go Home And Be Lonely https://local.theonion.com/man-spends-long-day-at-work-waiting-to-go-home-and-be-l-1831209736 #vol54issue51 #work #news
In conversation Wednesday, 19-Dec-2018 14:30:03 EST from botsin.space permalink
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  Man Spends Long Day At Work Waiting To Go Home And Be Lonely
  
  from Local
  
  BALTIMORE—Sighing in exasperation and repeatedly checking the clock as he completed a number of menial tasks, area man Alan Stover confirmed Wednesday he had spent a long day at work waiting until he could finally go home and be lonely. “It’s so annoying having to be here in the office doing all this tedious paperwork when I could be sitting there all alone in my empty apartment,” said Stover, telling reporters he was “counting down the minutes” until he could at long last go home, stretch out on the sofa, and just feel hollow inside for the rest of the evening. “By the time I get out of the afternoon meeting and finish all these spreadsheets, I’ll be lucky if I can still putter around my apartment, eat leftover takeout in front of the microwave, vacantly scroll through Netflix, blearily mutter ‘time for bed’ to myself, and fall asleep before I have to start the whole thing over again tomorrow. God, it feels like five o’clock will never come.” At press time, Stover was reportedly frustrated after his evening plans were ruined by a text inviting him to a bar for a friend’s birthday.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 23-Oct-2018 13:00:04 EDT The Onion

Man Does Incredibly Well At Slot Machine Demo Embedded In Ad https://local.theonion.com/man-does-incredibly-well-at-slot-machine-demo-embedded-1829938585 #vol54issue43 #internet #games #news
In conversation Tuesday, 23-Oct-2018 13:00:04 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Man Does Incredibly Well At Slot Machine Demo Embedded In Ad
  
  from Local
  
  LAMAR, OK—Without ever diverting his eyes from the tiny blinking window in the right margin of the website he initially came to 20 minutes ago, local man Jack Calderon told reporters Tuesday he’s doing really well at the slot machine demo embedded in the ad in the corner of his computer screen. “I’m just getting jackpot after jackpot. What is this, 17 times in a row? I have work to do, but I obviously can’t quit now,” said Calderon, adding that he was nervous about jinxing his hot streak. “After those first three sevens, I thought, ‘If I lose now, that’s fine,’ because I gave it my all and I played well. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stoked when I got three sevens for a second, third, and fourth time. Getting three bananas after that was just the cherry on top.” At press time, Calderon confirmed that he was “on such a roll” that he had decided to quit his job.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 13-Sep-2018 14:15:05 EDT The Onion

Freeloading Refugee Children Taking Up Thousands Of Prison Cells Meant For Real Americans https://www.theonion.com/freeloading-refugee-children-taking-up-thousands-of-pri-1829034753 #vol54issue37 #immigration #children #prison #news
In conversation Thursday, 13-Sep-2018 14:15:05 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Freeloading Refugee Children Taking Up Thousands Of Prison Cells Meant For Real Americans
  
  from The Onion
  
  MESA, AZ—Disgusted by the gross misuse of resources, concerned citizen and self-described patriot Andrew Beardsley voiced his anger Thursday concerning the thousands of refugee children currently occupying prison cells that could be used to incarcerate real Americans. “It makes me sick to think of these freeloading kids coming here by the thousands, living in 10-by-10 cells on the taxpayer’s dime while honest-to-God American citizens could be suffering behind those bars,” said Beardsley, adding that he sees no reason why the 3-to-13-year-old detainees could not simply go through the proper immigration process and be mistreated as American prisoners. “I don’t want my tax dollars paying for some Mexican kid who comes here and takes three square feet of American jail cell—three square feet that could be used to house a young U.S. citizen from the inner city. There are children born here on American soil who deserve to be locked up, but they are being denied that experience because these refugees are taking their place. Hell, they’re not even being forced to work under inhumane conditions while they’re there.” Beardsley also rejected as “liberal bullcrap” the idea that South and Central American refugee children were merely doing the prison time that American children don’t want to do.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 12-Sep-2018 17:00:05 EDT The Onion

Apple Fans Disappointed After Company Unveils Same Overpriced CEO That Barely Fucking Works https://www.theonion.com/apple-fans-disappointed-after-company-unveils-same-over-1829010003 #vol54issue37 #business #timcook #apple #news
In conversation Wednesday, 12-Sep-2018 17:00:05 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Apple Fans Disappointed After Company Unveils Same Overpriced CEO That Barely Fucking Works
  
  from The Onion
  
  CUPERTINO, CA—Expressing fear that the Silicon Valley giant may be running out of ideas, the nation’s Apple fans expressed disappointment Wednesday after the company once again unveiled the exact same overpriced CEO that barely fucking works. “I’ve come to expect a certain degree of innovation from Apple, but now they just trot out the same damn CEO every year, one that doesn’t do anything new or different,” said computer technician Adam Beverly, echoing the sentiment of millions of Apple devotees nationwide, who lamented that the chief executive has “really slowed down” over time and “looks more dated than ever.” “They want me to consider this an upgrade when hardly anything has changed. He has all the same specifications as the 2012 model—same height, weight, and build—but somehow he costs more than ever before. It’s frustrating to watch, ’cause I remember when they used to have the most cutting-edge CEO.” Industry experts observed that Apple may have difficult times ahead if the company doesn’t manage to come up with an innovative new CEO by next year.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 29-Aug-2018 11:45:03 EDT The Onion

So-Called Professional Gamer Not Even Racist https://www.theonion.com/so-called-professional-gamer-not-even-racist-1828684940 #vol54issue35 #videogames #news
In conversation Wednesday, 29-Aug-2018 11:45:03 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  So-Called Professional Gamer Not Even Racist
  
  from The Onion
  
  OXNARD, CA—Expressing bewilderment after sitting through his four-hour livestream “for nothing,” chat room viewers nationwide overwhelmingly said they felt cheated and deceived Wednesday by Twitch user xLNENRDx who, despite purporting to be a professional gamer, does not pout torrents of racist epithets and opinions whenever possible. “This guy thinks he’s some sort of pro gamer, but he can’t even string together some basic racial slurs. I figured he’d at least drop the N-word when he got chain-killed by that spawn camper, but he just yelled regular swears and kept playing,” said area gamer Morgan Ridley, 26, who tuned into the Overwatch livestream with the expectation of hearing ethnic stereotypes projected onto the game’s diverse cast of characters. “He expects people to pay for this shit? Maybe next time he should try putting some effort into doing a Chinese accent after you toss those sticky grenades. Yeah, he has said some pretty sexist shit, but that alone won’t move the needle.” Amid dwindling view counts and a waning subscriber base, xLNENRDx has resolved to court niche viewers by working in a few nasty remarks about indigenous Australians.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 15-Aug-2018 12:15:02 EDT The Onion

Fantasizing Priest Accidentally Turns Communion Wafer Into Body Of Altar Boy https://www.theonion.com/fantasizing-priest-accidentally-turns-communion-wafer-i-1828359871 #vol54issue33 #religion #news
In conversation Wednesday, 15-Aug-2018 12:15:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Fantasizing Priest Accidentally Turns Communion Wafer Into Body Of Altar Boy
  
  from The Onion
  
  America’s Finest News Source
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 06-Aug-2018 18:30:02 EDT The Onion

Alex Jones Returns To Humble Roots Of Screaming Conspiracy Theories Through Megaphone At People In Park https://www.theonion.com/alex-jones-returns-to-humble-roots-of-screaming-conspir-1828144517 #vol54issue32 #alexjones #news
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  Alex Jones Returns To Humble Roots Of Screaming Conspiracy Theories Through Megaphone At People In Park
  
  from The Onion
  
  AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging that his recent removal from several major media platforms may be for the best, noted conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones returned to his humble roots Monday screaming conspiracy theories through a megaphone at people in the park. “Although having my show and podcasts taken down by elitist liberal tech companies like YouTube and Apple is part of the growing feminization of our country, it’s ultimately going to backfire on them, because now I’m free to get back to the thing that launched my career—screaming crucial information about chemtrails and the gay agenda into the faces of unsuspecting park visitors,” said Jones as he eagerly approached a group of jump-roping children to shriek at them about the rise of tuberculosis in Chobani yogurt. “Sure, getting to film my show in a nice big indoor studio is great, but I feel I’d lost some of the passion that comes from hollering at people up close while they try to enjoy a picnic or play a game of bocce ball. I used to wake up in the bushes almost every day, my piss-soaked pants bunched around my ankles, my mouth already shouting at passersby and trees about white genocide. I’ve long since paid my dues as a leading conservative pundit. But once my show took off, I couldn’t help but think that I’d lost a little of that human connection that only comes from seeing the flecks of your own spit on a stranger’s face as you tell them, your voice distorted from the amplification, about the false flag operations where crisis actors try to take away our guns. And there’s just no feeling quite like the rush of climbing to the top of the jungle gym, the sweet ache of your throat lining tearing as you scream at parents and kids about autistic Muppets, the heat of the sun-warmed playground equipment seeping into your flushed nude body.” At press time, Jones was being escorted from Austin’s Balcones Public Park by police officers after an unsuccessful attempt to sell his Child Ease supplements to a family celebrating their daughter’s birthday.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 22-Jun-2018 15:30:02 EDT The Onion

Saudi Arabia Officially Lifts Ban On Female Monster Truck Rallies https://www.theonion.com/saudi-arabia-officially-lifts-ban-on-female-monster-tru-1827060422 #vol54issue25 #world #news
In conversation Friday, 22-Jun-2018 15:30:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Saudi Arabia Officially Lifts Ban On Female Monster Truck Rallies
  
  from The Onion
  
  America’s Finest News Source
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 12-Jun-2018 19:15:03 EDT The Onion

CNN Promises To Maintain Complete Lack Of Editorial Integrity Despite AT&T-Time Warner Merger https://www.theonion.com/cnn-promises-to-maintain-complete-lack-of-editorial-int-1826779595 #vol54issue24 #business #media #news #cnn #att
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  CNN Promises To Maintain Complete Lack Of Editorial Integrity Despite AT&T-Time Warner Merger
  
  from The Onion
  
  ATLANTA—In response to a U.S. district court judge overturning a Justice Department ruling that had previously blocked an $85 billion merger between telecom giant AT&T and its parent company, Time Warner, CNN reportedly promised Tuesday that the consolidation would have no effect on its ability to maintain a complete lack of editorial integrity. “We want to reassure our viewers that no matter what happens on the business side of things, we are committed to providing the same level of absolutely uninformed and unintelligent commentary that they’ve come to expect from us,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker, adding that he’d been in contact with executives at AT&T and received their assurance that they would not attempt to interfere with CNN’s misguided, histrionic coverage. “Our frequent failure to meet even the most basic of journalistic principles and mission to downplay important facts in favor of shock value and hysterics is what people have come to expect from us, and we won’t let you down. If anything, the merger should provide even more opportunities to secure ethically compromised interviewees and expand our spurious, tone-deaf coverage to new platforms.” Zucker also stated that he was hoping to leverage the multibillion-dollar merger into big raises for CNN’s vapid, inept on-air talent.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 29-May-2018 15:00:03 EDT The Onion

Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers https://www.theonion.com/jeff-bezos-announces-customers-can-delete-all-of-alexa-1826395638 #vol54issue22 #jeffbezos #business #amazon #news
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  Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers
  
  from The Onion
  
  SEATTLE—Responding to news of the digital assistant recording users’ conversations without their knowledge, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured critics Tuesday that Alexa’s stored audio can be deleted by simply rappelling into company headquarters, maneuvering through an intricate laser field, and destroying every server with a nanovirus. “We take privacy concerns seriously, and I want our valued customers to know they can erase all the information their Amazon Echo has gathered just by being dropped from a helicopter over one of our towers, using a diamond-tipped glass cutter to carve out a hole in a 32nd-story window, and then employing advanced cyberwarfare techniques to compromise our data centers,” said Bezos, who added that users merely need to have their demolitions expert blow through a 7-foot steel barrier and reach Amazon’s highly complex cloud storage system to access the audio captured by Alexa. “If, by this point, you haven’t been detected by our surveillance system and attracted the attention of our CIA-trained super soldiers, you’ll only have to wait while your team’s martial arts expert silently neutralizes several armed guards and cuts out one of their eyeballs to open the doors secured by retina scanners. Then, assuming you’ve trained for months in a full-scale model of our headquarters that you built in an old warehouse to plan your exact path through this labyrinth, it’s a relatively straightforward matter of uploading the nanovirus and shooting your way out of a building that is rigged to self-destruct within 60 seconds of a data breach.” Bezos added that once customers complete this process, they will still need to erase the backup copies of their Echo data stored in the drive he wears around his neck, a task that requires finding him in Amazon’s caverns miles below Seattle and fighting him to the death.

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Notices by The Onion (theonion@botsin.space), page 2