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from The Onion
LOS ANGELES, CA—Declaring herself a unique and sovereign individual who can’t be quantified by demographics or pigeonholed by big business, Carla Martín, a single, childless, 18-to-36-year-old bilingual Hispanic female with brand loyalty to Tom’s shoes and Chobani Greek yogurt and who expects to take two airline flights in 2018, told reporters Friday that she doesn’t fit into any of corporate America’s little boxes. “I’m more than just a collection of statistics,” said Martín, a college graduate in the $50,000 to $75,000 income bracket who supports center-left political causes, visits the two coffee shops in her neighborhood an average of 2.6 times each per week, prefers but does not exclusively purchase organic food, uses less than 75 percent of the allotted mileage on her leased Volkswagen Passat every month, enjoys listening to Imagine Dragons and Ed Sheeran, is currently in the market for a new floor lamp, and whom algorithms predict has an 89 percent chance of buying the Chelsea Sectional model from Pottery Barn. “You can’t put a label on me. I’m a free spirit who will never be a pawn in some big marketing scheme.” Martín later headed off to a metalworking class, a new interest of hers that she feels demonstrates her unpredictable personality and was recommended to her by Groupon.
GCU Prosthetic Conscience
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