Conversation

My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that our country is under attack from a silent enemy. Everywhere we look, the green menace is hiding in plain sight. They are rapidly spreading and digging deep into our native soil. The time has come to confront the threat outright, which is why I hereby declare a War on Trees!

For too long, these not-so-gentle giants have been invading our land, insidiously infiltrating into rural and urban areas alike. They are stealing our groundwater and leaching up valuable minerals that rightfully belong to our nation. At times they have even killed, falling on innocent civilians with a mindless and crashing fury. Well no more! Starting today I have directed the relevant military and executive agencies to begin planning a campaign to eradicate this inhuman menace from the face of the Earth.

Our enemies and their photosympathizers shall shake in their roots when faced with the combined might of our armed forces. The entire resources of our nation will be dedicated to outsmarting, outmaneuvering, and outlasting them. Although we may be outnumbered a thousand to one, I have faith in the capacity of our nation to endure while clearing out this so-called "Al Flora" and retaking what is rightfully our place in the global ecosystem.

More details of the plan will be publicly released in the days to come. I urge each and every one to be on high alert for increased arboral activity now that this announcement has been made, and alert local authorities if anything suspicious arises. For now, I bid you goodnight. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

Public

Notices