Maybe it is a contradiction. I don't want to live forever which sounds like a nightmare. There are two warring factions inside of me... because there are times that I want to die, mostly because it is preferable to my inner pain. But at the same time, I don't want to die. I will fight it with every fibre of my being even as I bring it upon myself or through bad habits. If someone tries to kill me, I will go down with a fight or try to prevent it. Not today and not in this way, buddy.