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One of the big contradictions is that there was a point where I chose life. I advocate for life, and that humanity holds a lot of positive potential. It's important to acknowledge that humanity has the potential to be negative and bad, the worse things you can imagine we are capable of. When it occurs, to acknowledge it. But not to define humanity based upon it, to not let it cloud judgement.
As much as humanity is a force for destruction, particularly to the self... we are a force for creation. We have the ability to bounce back from the worst traumas, and to keep on living. We have the ability to be courageous, assertive, independent, to learn and grow. We have the ability to change ourselves, to slowly make new decisions and change our reactions.We have the ability to think, with abstractions... to imagine our place in the world, to recall our past and envision our future. To be connected to what is around us in the present. To support and help each other, to provide comfort. To be close. To be goal-oriented and to achieve what we set our minds to. I'm sure you can think of other traits... abilities that humanity holds the potential for. It leaves me in awe when I think about it.
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And yet I can still slip into old habits, ones filled with self-destruction and feeling suicidal. It's not my proudest moment. It's familiar to me... when I can't cope with my feelings, I slip into that mode in order to cope. The thought pops to mind, the feelings mix with it and I can't take it back. But one day, I hope this isn't the case. I hope I can put suicidal ideation behind me as a coping mechanism. It's harder to let go of... I don't have a good coping mechanism to replace it with that I will turn to instead. Suicidal ideation is a very old companion to me at this point, and in a twisted way... it is out to protect me too. It's conflicting.
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