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1. Strange Attractor (strangeattractor@refactorcamp.org)'s status on Tuesday, 19-Feb-2019 20:54:32 EST Strange Attractor

   @Elmkast

   The best book I've read on this topic is "The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans.

   https://www.kobo.com/ca/en/ebook/the-verbally-abusive-man-can-he-change-1

   It says that abuse takes the form of wanting to define another person's subjective reality. "You need to do this" "You feel this."

   The abuser has the delusion of knowing what is in another person's internal world without asking.

   The appendix is the most important part of the book - I recommend going through and underlining statements you've heard.

   1. Strange Attractor (strangeattractor@refactorcamp.org)'s status on Tuesday, 19-Feb-2019 20:59:02 EST Strange Attractor

      in reply to

      @Elmkast

      Another book that I wish I'd read years ago, especially when my friends were starting to date, is "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra L Brown

      https://www.kobo.com/ca/en/ebook/women-who-love-psychopaths-e-book

      It talks about the perspective of the people who have relationships with psychopaths, rather than focusing on the psychopaths or sociopaths themselves.

      Some patterns I'd seen my friends go through became more clear when I read this book.

      1. Strange Attractor (strangeattractor@refactorcamp.org)'s status on Tuesday, 19-Feb-2019 21:04:20 EST Strange Attractor

         in reply to

         @Elmkast

         A lot of these books assume a heterosexual relationship with the man as abuser, because that's what's most common. But a lot of the information in them can also be applied to homosexual relationships, or when the woman is abusive.

         Sandra Brown does have a book specifically about women though.

         "How to Avoid Dating Damaged & Destructive Women" by Sandra L. Brown

         https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/how-to-avoid-dating-damaged-destructive-women

         1. Strange Attractor (strangeattractor@refactorcamp.org)'s status on Tuesday, 19-Feb-2019 21:12:14 EST Strange Attractor

            in reply to

            @Elmkast

            The books by Patricia Evans and Sandra Brown were the ones I found most useful. However, there were some others that helped give more context and perspective, including:

            Why Does He Do That?
            Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
            by Lundy Bancroft
            https://www.kobo.com/ca/en/ebook/why-does-he-do-that

            When Men Batter Women
            by John Gottman (who runs a marriage lab)
            https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/when-men-batter-women/9781416551331-item.html

            Remaking Manhood
            by Mark Greene (many of these essays available on his blog)
            https://www.amazon.ca/Remaking-Manhood-Stories-Front-Change/dp/1530817064/

            1. Strange Attractor (strangeattractor@refactorcamp.org)'s status on Tuesday, 19-Feb-2019 21:19:26 EST Strange Attractor

               in reply to

               @Elmkast

               Emotional abuse is not something people in this society are taught to spot. The books I just mentioned were not available even 10 years ago.

               It's the sort of thing that does feel terrible to witness, and to realize. However, not spotting it sooner is not so much a reflection on you, personally, but rather an indication of how much our society fails to recognize and adequately deal with this issue, IMHO. At least, that's what I tell myself when I feel similarly.