@grufwub Hi. You didn't say you want help, but when I see a message like this, I have to reach out my hand. You don't have to take it.
I hope you're feeling better since you posted this thread. I want you to know that what you do, and your existence, your life -- you -- are important. The world is better because you are here, and you can have a rewarding life filled with joy -- you deserve that.