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The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 09:45:02 EDT The Onion

Toddler Standing Up In Shopping Cart Surveys Grocery Store Like Grizzled Sea Captain On Whaling Expedition https://local.theonion.com/toddler-standing-up-in-shopping-cart-surveys-grocery-st-1837470440 #vol55issue34 #children #shopping #news
In conversation Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 09:45:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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1. Toddler Standing Up In Shopping Cart Surveys Grocery Store Like Grizzled Sea Captain On Whaling Expedition
  
  from Local
  
  SANTA FE—Pointing with great emphasis and loudly declaring her impressions of her surroundings, local toddler Sophia Krauss, 3, was reportedly standing up in a shopping cart and surveying the grocery store in the manner of a grizzled, windburnt sea captain on a long and perilous whaling expedition. Witnesses confirmed that the preschooler belabored her crew with the energy of a fate-possessed Bligh or Ahab, squinting and calling out a slurred version of ‘Lucky Charms, ho!’ through clenched baby teeth as her cart sailed past the cereal aisle. Despite the elements, including the harsh glare of the fluorescent lights, obscuring spray from the produce department misting system, and the dangerously cold frost from the open chest freezer of chickens, the young seafarer was observed driving her cart onward. At press time, the toddler was covered in a thick layer of drinkable yogurt, as if she had killed a whale with her bare hands, stabbing it over and over with a harpoon.

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