from The Onion
PARSIPPANY, NJ—Claiming that the recent spate of mass shootings gave them no choice but to stand up and try to make a difference, vegetable purveyor Green Giant launched a new program Friday where gun owners can trade in their firearms in exchange for green beans. “These kinds of weapons have no place on the street or in our homes, which is why Green Giant is stepping up and offering 25 pounds of green beans for any semi-automatic weapon turned over to us,” said spokesperson Gina Sorpino, adding that a new ad campaign running in every major market promised gun owners who turned in multiple weapons could receive premium products like their Italian herb vegetable medley and fire-roasted sautéed zucchini. “We don’t want to force people to give up their guns, and we think our flavorful, healthy green beans are just the incentive people need. You can snack on them, put them in a casserole, even grill them. And unlike guns, the fatalities caused by green beans are almost non-existent. We hope gun owners will join Green Giant in building a safer world for our children.” At press time, Green Giant had discontinued the program after receiving over 5 million death threats.
The Onion
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