(Grumpy old man alert)
So @squirrel has been waiting (im)patiently for a package to arrive from DHL "Express". On the tracking page it says:
"No need to call Customer Service – our online results give you real-time, detailed progress as your shipment speeds through the DHL network."
It has been sitting in their Cincinnati sort facility for FIVE DAYS.
"Speeds through the DHL network" eh?
"Express" my ass.