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1. Sim (sim@social.heldscal.la)'s status on Tuesday, 12-Sep-2017 19:27:45 EDT Sim
   Except in cases of abuse which I think is a different matter, I do wonder if life would be better if we took responsibility for our own reactions and feelings rather than projecting them onto those around us to take responsibility for so we don't have to.
   
   I just can't fit it together. But maybe that is because I grew up being that party made to be responsible for someones emotions/reactions. I don't think it was healthy for me to take on their emotions, and be responsible for when they didn't like when I said or did something. To be guilted or shamed for it. It could be a form of emotional abuse.
   
   When we say, "I'm offended by what you say, you are a bad person for saying it... apologise/feel bad/etc." we could be emotionally abusing and manipulating people. We could be creating a culture based on this. It's no wonder people feel they are walking on eggshells, when they feel the need to apologise in case. Even when it is done for tolerance/acceptance, it could be creating intolerance, judgement, resentment and not acceptance. It could be exclusive too.
   
   I don't believe this is empowering anyone. It is teaching people that the responsibility for their reactions lies outside of them, they have no control over it... when they do. It also creates monsters out of innocent people, blaming people. I could be viewed as the monster for pointing this out. Then it creates victims from them. It merely disempowers everyone involved.
   
   Our reactions stem from inner beliefs and thoughts processes that we picked up through childhood or were born with. When we experienced a situation, we were teaching ourselves how to react to it. Knowing this is a powerful thing... it's not easy to change our reactions, but there is something in exposure therapy for example. We don't always have to react how we do. It is doable when you know how and are capable of following through on that knowledge. I think this is more empowering... at least for me.
   
   I still have to unlearn what I learned above. That I am not responsible for other peoples emotions and reactions, that I don't have control over it. That it is not for me to apologise or feel bad for just because someone gets offended and tells me I'm responsible. That I can't be everything for anyone. If I were truly pulling the strings, most of you would be better off than you are now...
   
   I can only hope that we begin to learn to free people from this burden... and do our part in the healthy relationships we have with each other by taking responsibility for our own emotions, thoughts, reactions, etc.
   
   This is also a reminder for me to do the same as I said if I'm not already. To reflect upon it.
   1. mangeurdenuage (mangeurdenuage@loadaverage.org)'s status on Tuesday, 12-Sep-2017 19:49:00 EDT mangeurdenuage

      in reply to
      I'm happy that you've come to this conclusion has have I.
      What you've describe can be resumed like this: "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds"
      Which is a quote from Marcus Garvey.
      But this is just one aspect of what you've described.
      The whole point of taking responsibilities for our actions/reactions is very well described in the NVC book that's shared in my description.
      But there's also another view that we must consider so that we don't distant ourselves from people and that is that we must try to understand people who haven't come to this thought process.
   2. clacke (clacke@social.heldscal.la)'s status on Saturday, 16-Sep-2017 00:27:09 EDT clacke

      in reply to
      @sim I think what's really important is that we agree on what level of responsibility is appropriate. I don't think either extreme is good, and I think most of the spectrum in between works out if people agree on it.
      
      The problems occur when some people just want to mind their own business and others want to make their own business everybody's business. It's a freerider problem, from both perspectives.
      
      On a global alienated scale, I think minding your own business is the only thing that scales.