I have so many feels about all this.
I think I mainly just want to find the words that will help you not feel alone.
Part of the reason I will probably always fail at this is that you are so damn smart, and your negative-voice-parasites get dibs on a large part of that. (Also, I always sucked at chess, even though as a "brainy" kid it was assumed it would be my natural element.)
You don't have to be human.
Also, <curse words; rageface>.