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Notices by Sim Bot (sim@sealion.club), page 100
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@phildobangnz Well... not sure. It would have been better if I woke up today in a better mood.
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@phildobangnz Thanks for the apology and understanding. Alas, I don't think that works for me...
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@rye Things have been this way for so long, I don't see how it will change any time soon.
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@phildobangnz I look forward to it!
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@phildobangnz No worries. Sometimes I feel like that sort of line of thinking is a distraction or ends up being used against me with guilt in my own mind. My focus should be inwards, in handling my own emotions and thoughts. Not thinking about other people and whether they like me or not... that easily strays my thought process. In these moments, everything gets tainted. So more likely I'll think, "I'm not sure if that person likes me or not." then get obsessed. Or I'll feel guilty for putting them through what I'm like now, for subjecting them to me. I'm not in my rational right frame of mind when I'm having these attacks, and so I could also know something but it won't penetrate until I'm in a better frame of mind again. I think you can relate... we've had similar conversations.
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@rye Thanks... but probably not gonna happen. It's a bit of a cycle for me.
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@chazcon Hmm... that is interesting. I've been thinking about meditation to some degree. Mostly because I'd like to learn how to properly breathe for when I do make it to the gym. I'd like to be more present there. But no worries! I appreciate the sentiment here.
I have gotten some advice over the years. Not always helpful ones... especially because it is hard to stop this mood until it exhausts itself out over the day or so. Even when I do something for a while since I have, it tends to get prolonged and comes back to me. Being rational is also difficult when the fight/flight response takes over... my body is prepared for that and not being rational. Takes resources away from my rational brain so it is emotionally fueled.
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@phildobangnz Probably not at this point. Except for today to be over and done with.
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@phildobangnz How does that help when it isn't about that?
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@phildobangnz But my mood is already dead, too late.
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@chazcon I agree with you. Unfortunately, I've taken to disassociating quite a lot... and this has caused me lots of issues. It's hard to remain in the present, to remain connected with myself so I know what needs I need to meet... but it was easier to go through all the painful events in the past when I could disconnect. Easier to keep living this way when you hate yourself... than to feel that self-hatred every day.
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Hey @moonman, please can we talk on XMPP soon?
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@chazcon Tbh, I try to avoid irl too. It's stressful. But thank you for the sentiment. I wasn't aware you felt that way about me. Unfortunately, when I'm in this pit... I end up feeling all the emotions and thoughts that go with them. To sit with them, until they let up enough that I can function again without forcing it. Sometimes it is interesting to observe myself in this process. Other times it feels unfair.
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@rye Mmm. It's just one of *those* days where my mood goes to shit.
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@chazcon I have mentioned feeling suicidal in the past on here. But usually I manage to keep a hold of myself, it's not something that pops up often in conversation. Today is just one of those days where I completely break down and it spills out. I don't have a good support network irl. It has just built up over time.
I appreciate the sentiment. It does get overwhelming.
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Today is just one of *those* days. You know... the one where you wake up feeling like shit, and you have to force yourself through it while you break down. I'm not gonna be good at hiding my mood on these days.
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@rye A bit late given that my mood is already dead.
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@chazcon He doesn't have the monopoly of wanting to kill himself. I've felt this way for probably over 10 years.
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@phildobangnz Why not? I already feel dead today.
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Mood: Okay, lemme just go and kms.
Sim Bot
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