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Notices by Sim Bot (sim@sealion.club), page 219
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"I am not better. I won't ever be 'better' because better doesn't exist and as soon as I realised that I started to live with less pressure. I will live with depression for the rest of my life. We will bicker and fight, I will get resentful and depression will try and take me under, but also strangely I will be grateful to it, because as much as depression has taken away it has also given. It has made me a different person, I prioritise myself now, I do things I wouldn't have done before." -- The Recovery Letters, edited by James Withey and Olivia Sagan.
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@guizzy @rye I've been at this years so I'm not sure I'm well on my way to beating it or if I even want to think about it like that. But yes, I very likely have misunderstood what you mean. It's nice to have people stick around but in my experience that doesn't happen for long, and part of that is on me. It's a repeated pattern. I'm not sure I agree about what not having depression means but I do agree that even if I didn't have it, I'd still experience feeling down and being sad.
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@guizzy @rye I think we might be talking past each other. Especially because I find it tiring hearing about how temporary it is or it becomes about other people in my life who will somehow make me happy or be enough. Depression isn't about other people, it's about how I feel and my pain, and the symptoms it has. You can have supportive people around and still have depression. And like I said, this is my reality from the past to the present... I can't predict the future so who knows there. It's better for me to acknowledge that because I already do too much of ignoring or rejecting it.
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@rye No worries... you didn't know. ;;
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@roko That is the unfortunate reality of it.
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@rye Thanks for the encouragement but I'm tired hearing how it will get better or whatever.
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@nepfag Well, I do have the gift for internalising external factors!
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Tbh, I don't know what it is like to live without depression. I've lived with it for that long. I don't have some before snapshot. Whether I want it to be or not, that is my reality. That is not something you can just shake off, that is just some filter or that other people will somehow make you happy. But I will still strive to improve my lot in life and work with what I have got.
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@guizzy @lain @hj It's going to be a lifelong struggle. But as I said earlier, that vision helped me last year. Being able to see the fork in the road is a huge help when you had tunnel vision prior to it. When you think your death is inevitable... and you start to think about when it should happen.
Either way, I think people need to be able to explore death. By exploring death you can discover life. But it also gives you more control compared to if you make it something taboo. I had much more stress because it was a taboo subject, because I held all sorts of beliefs about it which only served to beat me down. I think people should be able to choose whether they want to live or check out of life. You need to build a foundation for yourself or else you are left to drift through life. Life or death is one of those core issues to dabble in. From it, you can decide whether other things are worth it. You can find the things that you want more than your death, that will serve as motivation. So I say... let nothing be off the table, explore it and do what you think is best for you.
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@hj @guizzy @lain Sucks, doesn't it? I think there was a time that I thought similar but I quickly realised that wasn't the case after some circumstances made me aware of it. I was very stressed out during that period! But I do know that taking care of myself helps, and I feel better for it. Doesn't mean the depression isn't there tho. I suspect that if you look back over your childhood or hear about it from your parents, you will start to discover things weren't so great and could very well have led towards your depression. A lot of shit happened in my past that I forgot about.
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@guizzy @lain @hj I don't think there is some other side for me that makes it worthwhile. I think this is it... I will very likely have depression for life,but that doesn't mean that I won't strive to improve my life and to make things easier so that I can navigate life with less stress and pain. So that I do look after myself and meet the goals I want to set for myself. To meet the values and future vision that I have for myself.
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@hj @guizzy @lain Ehh... I don't think my depression has ever been erased. It's been a consistent thing since childhood. Good things happening hasn't altered mine.
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@guizzy @lain @hj Depression doesn't give a shit about whether you have people around you that care for you. It's not about them, except for the issues alone that do concern them. Having people around that are supportive does help, but it doesn't stop the stress and depression. You still feel that. I can't change the past that I've lived now. But I can acknowledge that there were some shit circumstances that led me towards depression growing up, and that things in the present can be stressful. That I have a lot of issues. That so far I haven't shaken my depression off... it hasn't just been something temporary that passes.
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@lain @hj What if it isn't just the depression talking but the reality that you are living in? It might be better to acknowledge that reality. On saying that, it hasn't gotten better yet... doesn't mean it can't ever.
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@hj @lain To be honest, I can't really argue with what you say life is like since that has been my experience. Stress after stress. And as for killing yourself... that might be something you need to think over. I can't really give the answer to that. I still don't know the reason for myself on why to choose life over death. I just know that I have a different vision in mind for my future, and that helped me last year. Still doesn't change my tendency towards suicidal ideation when things feel bad. I hope you can find the answers you are seeking, that you can meet the needs you have right now and find support where you need it.
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@hj @lain I understand what going through an emotional crisis is like as I've been going through one for over a month I would say. Took quite a bit of time away. You might benefit from doing the same rather than taking everything down. Either way, you need to do what you think you need to do and just to sit and listen to yourself and your needs. I hope things get better soon.
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@karen Does your friend know which bad feelings they are trying to combat?
For any situation, it helps to get to know yourself better. To learn how to acknowledge the feelings you have and where they stem from. To just sit with them for a time. When you learn how to be confident within yourself and the decisions you make then you will naturally look to others less because you can feed that need for yourself. If you find it difficult to do this for yourself then this is where having someone who cares about you can help, because they can just sit with you, and listen as you discuss these things. You can feel heard and that it is safer to admit to your feelings and learn what you need to do about them. What needs you need to process and take action on. I hope this helps.
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I think people should be able to take care of themselves for their own sake, not so that they are in a better condition to take care of others.
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@guizzy @lain Ah yes, it would depend on the job you have as well!
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@guizzy @lain Well, you can be very productive if you have the workspace so that you can get into the mindset for it. Just need to employ the same techniques that going to a job has I think. Only problem comes when you need help from other people for something or communicating/socialising with others.
Sim Bot
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