Notices by The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)

The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 03-Feb-2020 12:00:04 EST The Onion

Queen Reminds Worker Bees They Still Represent Colony Even When Away From Hive https://local.theonion.com/queen-reminds-worker-bees-they-still-represent-colony-e-1841428961 #vol56issue05 #nature #news
In conversation Monday, 03-Feb-2020 12:00:04 EST from botsin.space permalink
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  Queen Reminds Worker Bees They Still Represent Colony Even When Away From Hive
  
  from Local
  
  ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In an effort to ensure they maintained a degree of professionalism and decorum during their travels, a queen bee sternly reminded her workers Monday that they still represented the colony even when they were away from the hive. “I want you to have a good time out there collecting pollen, but keep in mind that you are all acting as ambassadors for our nest, so make sure you’re on your best behavior,” said the queen bee, urging the assembled swarm to bring the same common sense and good judgment they’d use amongst the honeycombs to any fruit or flower they encountered during their trip. “Remember, when you’ve been out there downing nectar all morning and you decide it might be funny to crawl along someone’s Coke can or sting a kid in the face, it doesn’t just reflect poorly on you, it reflects on the hive as a whole and on my ability as a sexually mature female bee. So, don’t do anything to embarrass me—I’m looking at you particularly, HBW/B433-481-K7.” The queen added that while she didn’t want to scare them, a lifestyle of engaging in immoral and unbecoming behavior could lead to colony collapse disorder.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 05-Nov-2019 08:45:02 EST The Onion

Coworker Apparently Just Going To Stare At Lunch In Microwave For Entire 3-Minute Cook Time https://local.theonion.com/coworker-apparently-just-going-to-stare-at-lunch-in-mic-1839624812 #vol55issue45 #workplace #coworkers #office #news
In conversation Tuesday, 05-Nov-2019 08:45:02 EST from botsin.space permalink
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  Coworker Apparently Just Going To Stare At Lunch In Microwave For Entire 3-Minute Cook Time
  
  from Local
  
  CLEVELAND—Noting his evident reluctance to break eye contact with the steadily rotating tupperware container, employees at Vizer Solutions speculated Tuesday that coworker Edward Morris was apparently just going to stare at his lunch in the microwave for the entire three-minute cook time. “Man, I guess his plan is to just stand a few feet off and peer at his food until the timer finally goes off,” said employee Patricia Clarke, noting that the visibly exhausted Morris had not moved once, even when a coworker was forced to squeeze past him to use the tea drawer, instead opting to stand his ground and maintain an intense direct line of sight with his meal. “It’s just ziti, too. No one is going to steal it, and there’s no chance that he’ll overcook it. God, he looks so determined, though.” At press time, Morris had continued to stare intently at his meal for 30 full seconds after the timer went off before sighing deeply and finally removing it from the microwave.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 30-Oct-2019 15:00:04 EDT The Onion

Silicon Valley Leaders Sit Down With Wildfire At Investment Meeting After Being Impressed By Its Rapid Expansion https://www.theonion.com/silicon-valley-leaders-sit-down-with-wildfire-at-invest-1839476762 #naturaldisasters #markzuckerberg #siliconvalley #vol55issue44 #marcbenioff #timcook #news
In conversation Wednesday, 30-Oct-2019 15:00:04 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Silicon Valley Leaders Sit Down With Wildfire At Investment Meeting After Being Impressed By Its Rapid Expansion
  
  from The Onion
  
  MENLO PARK, CA—Expressing their desire to get in on the ground floor of what they see as an exciting investment opportunity, top Silicon Valley executives reportedly took a meeting Wednesday with the Sonoma County–based Kincade Fire after being impressed by its rapid expansion. “We’ve seen the moves you’re making and would like to offer a cash infusion of $1 billion to get you to the next level,’’ said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who, according to sources, was accompanied by Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff, Apple CEO Tim Cook, and dozens of other tech luminaries eager to partner with the week-old blaze responsible for burning over 75,000 acres and leveling 206 structures. “You started with nothing a few days ago, and what you’ve been able to do in such a short timeline has been really exciting to watch. You’re getting great engagement, and you’ve already disrupted businesses in many areas. We believe there’s just incredible growth potential here.” Reports confirmed the tech leaders went on to ask the wildfire what kind of support it thought it would need to scale up, increase its reach, and go national.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 08-Oct-2019 13:15:06 EDT The Onion

Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’ https://www.theonion.com/terrorist-who-put-a-lot-of-work-into-explosive-device-o-1838878632 #vol55issue41 #terrorism #violence #news
In conversation Tuesday, 08-Oct-2019 13:15:06 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’
  
  from The Onion
  
  GALGALA MOUNTAINS, SOMALIA—Deeply hurt by the way in which counterterrorism operatives repeatedly discounted the craftsmanship and ingenuity of his anti-personnel bombs, terrorist Ahmad Musa stated Tuesday he resented Western intelligence agencies referring to his explosive devices as “improvised.” “I refined the design and construction of this car bomb over a period of weeks, filling two graph paper tablets with notes and staying up all night reading physics textbooks, yet they treat my work like I just threw a bunch of roofing nails in a pressure cooker and called it a day,” Musa said of the explosive, which involved extensive work with fertilizer chemistry, careful deciphering and adapting wiring diagrams, and even countless practice sessions with soldering irons. “Devising the right detonator rig was a huge undertaking—did you know flame travels at different speeds through different densities of diesel-fuel vapors? It totally does. Plus, I had to be sure the shrapnel was the right shape to disperse correctly. Yet everyone from the CIA to Interpol continues to use the cute little dismissive acronym ‘IED.’ Insulting. Everyone knows improvisation is amateurish, and no one in their right mind respects anything improvised. My device killed 67 people—does that sound improvised to you?” Musa promised that his magnificent suicide bombing next month would force authorities to report his demise as “death by elegantly devised explosive device.”
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 24-Sep-2019 09:15:03 EDT The Onion

Disney Opens 200-Acre Sadomasochism Theme Park After Purchasing Rights To Hellraiser Franchise https://entertainment.theonion.com/disney-opens-200-acre-sadomasochism-theme-park-after-pu-1838382274 #vol55issue39 #disney #movies #travel #news
In conversation Tuesday, 24-Sep-2019 09:15:03 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Disney Opens 200-Acre Sadomasochism Theme Park After Purchasing Rights To Hellraiser Franchise
  
  from Entertainment
  
  ORLANDO—Six years after acquiring the rights to the 1987 horror classic, Disney Parks, Experiences and Products formally opened its new World Of Agony Monday, a 200-acre sadomasochistic theme park based on the Hellraiser franchise. “As soon as guests crawl through the main entrance, they’ll be transported to a searing nether realm where skinless demons roam free and the boundary between pain and pleasure is all but erased,” said company president George Kalogridis, noting that visitors would be inundated with sounds and visuals designed to short-circuit their senses and make them feel as though at any moment a Cenobite could jump through a wall and flay them alive. “Without giving too much away, I’ll say there’s a 10-story plunge into a pit of real lava, a nipple-clipped adventure through an alternate dimension, and a food court serving a wide range of inedible toxic treats. And be sure to stick around, because every day at 5 p.m., there will be a chain-bound parade of mutant sex fiends down Maim Street U.S.A.” Kalogridis added that park pass—which also includes access to Epcot and the Magic Kingdom—was $79.99 but could also be paid for in blood.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 23-Sep-2019 17:30:03 EDT The Onion

Nation Perplexed By 16-Year-Old Who Doesn’t Want World To End https://www.theonion.com/nation-perplexed-by-16-year-old-who-doesn-t-want-world-1838374925 #gretathunberg #climatechange #vol55issue39 #activism #news
In conversation Monday, 23-Sep-2019 17:30:03 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Nation Perplexed By 16-Year-Old Who Doesn’t Want World To End
  
  from The Onion
  
  NEW YORK—Following her U.N. address about the existential threat posed by a rapidly warming planet, citizens across the United States confirmed Monday they were perplexed by Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg, a 16-year-old who apparently has no desire to see the world end. “I know she’s from another country, but she’s still a teenager, right?” said 33-year-old Sophia Williams of Kenosha, WI, her confusion reportedly shared by millions of Americans who recalled that during their own adolescence they had hated the world and everyone in it and had felt the end couldn’t come fast enough. “I don’t understand why a high school kid like her isn’t locking herself in her bedroom and writing bad poetry about how nothing matters and everything is meaningless. Instead of going around the world and giving speeches in which she urges people to save the planet, shouldn’t she be commiserating with her friends about how pointless life is and how we’d all be better off dead? I just don’t get it.” At press time, an online survey found that a majority of Americans agree someone should make sure Thunberg’s parents are aware of her unusual behavior in case she needs to seek help.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 13-Sep-2019 12:00:05 EDT The Onion

Green Giant Offering Program Where Gun Owners Can Trade In Firearms For Green Beans https://www.theonion.com/green-giant-offering-program-where-gun-owners-can-trade-1838097221 #vol55issue37 #business #guns #food #news
In conversation Friday, 13-Sep-2019 12:00:05 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Green Giant Offering Program Where Gun Owners Can Trade In Firearms For Green Beans
  
  from The Onion
  
  PARSIPPANY, NJ—Claiming that the recent spate of mass shootings gave them no choice but to stand up and try to make a difference, vegetable purveyor Green Giant launched a new program Friday where gun owners can trade in their firearms in exchange for green beans. “These kinds of weapons have no place on the street or in our homes, which is why Green Giant is stepping up and offering 25 pounds of green beans for any semi-automatic weapon turned over to us,” said spokesperson Gina Sorpino, adding that a new ad campaign running in every major market promised gun owners who turned in multiple weapons could receive premium products like their Italian herb vegetable medley and fire-roasted sautéed zucchini. “We don’t want to force people to give up their guns, and we think our flavorful, healthy green beans are just the incentive people need. You can snack on them, put them in a casserole, even grill them. And unlike guns, the fatalities caused by green beans are almost non-existent. We hope gun owners will join Green Giant in building a safer world for our children.” At press time, Green Giant had discontinued the program after receiving over 5 million death threats.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 12-Sep-2019 13:15:02 EDT The Onion

U-Haul Introduces New Catapult Rental Service https://www.theonion.com/u-haul-introduces-new-catapult-rental-service-1838071393 #vol55issue37 #business #news
In conversation Thursday, 12-Sep-2019 13:15:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  U-Haul Introduces New Catapult Rental Service
  
  from The Onion
  
  The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 28-Aug-2019 08:45:02 EDT The Onion

Pros And Cons Of Banning Cars In Cities https://www.theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-banning-cars-in-cities-1837651518 #vol55issue35 #automobiles #infographic #automotive
In conversation Wednesday, 28-Aug-2019 08:45:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Pros And Cons Of Banning Cars In Cities
  
  from The Onion
  
  Concerns about the effects of cars on cities have led to more cities around the world, including Madrid, Paris, and Mexico City, partially banning cars in certain areas or on certain days, but opponents say the practice has many negative consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning cars in cities.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 09:45:02 EDT The Onion

Toddler Standing Up In Shopping Cart Surveys Grocery Store Like Grizzled Sea Captain On Whaling Expedition https://local.theonion.com/toddler-standing-up-in-shopping-cart-surveys-grocery-st-1837470440 #vol55issue34 #children #shopping #news
In conversation Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 09:45:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Toddler Standing Up In Shopping Cart Surveys Grocery Store Like Grizzled Sea Captain On Whaling Expedition
  
  from Local
  
  SANTA FE—Pointing with great emphasis and loudly declaring her impressions of her surroundings, local toddler Sophia Krauss, 3, was reportedly standing up in a shopping cart and surveying the grocery store in the manner of a grizzled, windburnt sea captain on a long and perilous whaling expedition. Witnesses confirmed that the preschooler belabored her crew with the energy of a fate-possessed Bligh or Ahab, squinting and calling out a slurred version of ‘Lucky Charms, ho!’ through clenched baby teeth as her cart sailed past the cereal aisle. Despite the elements, including the harsh glare of the fluorescent lights, obscuring spray from the produce department misting system, and the dangerously cold frost from the open chest freezer of chickens, the young seafarer was observed driving her cart onward. At press time, the toddler was covered in a thick layer of drinkable yogurt, as if she had killed a whale with her bare hands, stabbing it over and over with a harpoon.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 16-Aug-2019 15:45:02 EDT The Onion
- The Onion
Amazon Workers Now Being Shipped In Packages To Personally Assure Customers They’re Treated Well https://www.theonion.com/amazon-workers-now-being-shipped-in-packages-to-persona-1837312673 #vol55issue33 #business #amazon #news
In conversation Friday, 16-Aug-2019 15:45:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Amazon Workers Now Being Shipped In Packages To Personally Assure Customers They’re Treated Well
  
  from The Onion
  
  DURHAM, NC—In an effort to improve the company’s image amid criticism about poor conditions in its warehouses, e-commerce giant Amazon has begun to ship workers in packages to personally assure customers they’re being treated well, sources confirmed Friday. “When people who don’t know any better criticize my employer, they’re totally ignoring the fact that Amazon just sent me on an all-expenses-paid trip across the country in this nice, sturdy box,” said an Amazon employee identifying himself as Wilson O’Connell, one of thousands of Amazon workers around the country who reportedly emerged from a cardboard container filthy and covered in their own excrement, holding the items the customer ordered and immediately launching into a speech about how much they loved Amazon and appreciated the tough love of their managers. “I had a very pleasant journey, actually, because only Amazon would give me three days to myself like that. They’re so thoughtful and always looking out for me. At first, I didn’t like the big, dark box, but I realized that those negative feelings were totally my fault. I mean, some people don’t even have boxes to be packed and shipped in, so I realized I should be grateful. I hope you enjoy the Fire TV Stick shipped here with me, and I want you to remember that I’m happy—so very, very happy to work at Amazon. I’m so excited to walk back to Seattle and see all my best friends at the warehouse.” Sources confirmed that several customers had decided to return their items after opening their packages to discover that the Amazon employee inside had died on the journey and the words “I love Amazon” were repeatedly scrawled on the inside of the box.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 17-Jul-2019 09:45:02 EDT The Onion

Man Annoyed After Neighbors Never Return Son They Borrowed To Do Some Work Around House https://local.theonion.com/man-annoyed-after-neighbors-never-return-son-they-borro-1836429339 #vol55issue29 #children #family #news
In conversation Wednesday, 17-Jul-2019 09:45:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Man Annoyed After Neighbors Never Return Son They Borrowed To Do Some Work Around House
  
  from Local
  
  PRESCOTT, AZ—Noting that it had been weeks since they lent the boy out, homeowner Thomas Simmons publicly stated his annoyance Wednesday that his neighbors failed to return the son they borrowed to do some work around their house. “I’m sure the time just got away from the Millers, or maybe they kept finding more for him to do, but I’d like my son Koby back one of these days,” said Simmons, who claimed he tried dropping hints as to how he needed the 12-year-old returned, but that the neighbors seemed oblivious or quickly changed the subject. “Every time I see Frank and Joyce in their driveway, they avoid eye contact and hurry off as if they didn’t ask to borrow our son weeks ago to do some chores. Koby has a birthday soon, and we can’t really celebrate without him. Plus, our lawn is becoming pretty overgrown. I don’t mean to butt into someone else’s business. But honestly, I think it’s time the Millers got their own boy.” Neighborhood sources confirmed that tensions between the families were nearly as high as they were in April of 2016, when the Millers borrowed Simmons’ wife for three weeks and returned her in terrible condition.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 15-Jul-2019 20:15:02 EDT The Onion

Panicked Tree Freezes In Headlights As Car Barrels Toward It https://local.theonion.com/panicked-tree-freezes-in-headlights-as-car-barrels-towa-1836387067 #vol55issue29 #nature #news
In conversation Monday, 15-Jul-2019 20:15:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Panicked Tree Freezes In Headlights As Car Barrels Toward It
  
  from Local
  
  All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 15-Jul-2019 19:15:03 EDT The Onion

Trump Claims He Tried To Warn Public About Epstein By Praising Him As A Terrific Guy https://politics.theonion.com/trump-claims-he-tried-to-warn-public-about-epstein-by-p-1836393756 #jeffreyepstein #vol55issue29 #donaldtrump #news
In conversation Monday, 15-Jul-2019 19:15:03 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Trump Claims He Tried To Warn Public About Epstein By Praising Him As A Terrific Guy
  
  from Politics
  
  WASHINGTON—Noting multiple occasions when he had applauded the disgraced hedge fund manager’s affable personality, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he tried to warn the public about Jeffrey Epstein’s behavior by praising him as a terrific guy. “From day one, I was clearly trying to send a message to you people by revealing that I enjoyed spending time with Jeffrey,” said Trump, arguing that he tried to inform the American people about the convicted sex offender by stating that he looked back positively on their 15-year-long relationship and considered him a close personal friend. “Can’t you people read between the lines? I appeared in multiple photos with him and we attended dozens of functions together, so you should’ve known Epstein was really bad news. By partying with him and publicly admiring his lifestyle, I all but told you directly that Jeffery’s a total scumbag.” At press time, Trump claimed that he also attempted to tip off the public by repeatedly expressing his admiration for Mohammad bin Salman and Bill O’Reilly.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 15-Jul-2019 16:00:04 EDT The Onion

Exhausted Amazon Customer Forced To Piss In Bottle While Browsing Prime Day Deals https://local.theonion.com/exhausted-amazon-customer-forced-to-piss-in-bottle-whil-1836387624 #vol55issue29 #shopping #amazon #news
In conversation Monday, 15-Jul-2019 16:00:04 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Exhausted Amazon Customer Forced To Piss In Bottle While Browsing Prime Day Deals
  
  from Local
  
  NEW YORK—Frantically searching through the latest lightning deals and price slashes while sitting in his darkened room, Amazon customer Franklin Harris was reportedly forced to piss in a bottle Monday in order to keep up with Prime Day deals. “Christ, I’ve been busting my ass scrolling through deals for 12 hours already, but I just know if I step away to the bathroom for even a second, Amazon will be all over me about some KitchenAid Stand Mixer that’s half-off,” said Harris before grabbing an empty Aquafina bottle from a shelf cluttered with dozens of already half-filled containers of urine and relieving himself, reportedly never breaking eye contact with his monitor for fear of the consequences of missing rebates on Samsonite Luggage sets and Toshiba Fire TVs. “My whole body aches from constantly clicking and sitting. I’m dehydrated, I haven’t seen the sun in days, and, frankly, I’m probably buying way more items on discount than any person should be expected to. But what am I supposed to do? Amazon is just goddamn relentless about these deals.” At press time, Harris was spotted shaking his head in dismay and pulling on an adult diaper after an email arrived in his inbox reminding him about a limited-time offer for Garmin Wearable GPS devices.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 26-Jun-2019 22:30:05 EDT The Onion

13.5 Million Americans Tune In To Watch Animal Planet’s ‘Puppy Parlay’ During DNC Debate Halftime Show https://politics.theonion.com/13-5-million-americans-tune-in-to-watch-animal-planet-s-1835869447 #democraticdebates #election2020 #vol55issue26 #animals #news
In conversation Wednesday, 26-Jun-2019 22:30:05 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  13.5 Million Americans Tune In To Watch Animal Planet’s ‘Puppy Parley’ During DNC Debate Halftime Show
  
  from Politics
  
  MIAMI—Calling the program an “adorable” and “pooch-tastic” alternative to NBC’s broadcast, 13.5 million Americans reportedly tuned in Wednesday night to watch Animal Planet’s Puppy Parley during the DNC Debate Halftime Show. “Normally I don’t like politics, but when I saw all the cute puppies frolicking at their own little podiums, I just couldn’t resist,” said 39-year-old viewer Regina Seddon, one of many who watched the 12-minute-long event that featured 20 juvenile dogs posing as Democratic candidates, performing precious antics on a miniature stage to win America’s hearts. “It was just so cute to see dogs like Andrew Fang and Kristen Gillibeagle playing with their little microphones and chewing on notecards! The best, though, was when senators Cory Barker and Saint Bernard Sanders tussled over a bone that had the word ‘healthcare’ written on it. Luckily, puppy moderator Rachel Maddog stepped in and immediately started howling to start a 30-second cuddle break!” At press time, Nielsen ratings revealed that the majority of Puppy Parley viewership were unaware the Democratic candidate debates also aired that evening.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 20-Jun-2019 16:15:02 EDT The Onion

Fascinating Lore: Nintendo Revealed That The Reason Mario Always Comes Back To Life After He Dies Is Because Both Heaven And Hell Reject His Soul https://ogn.theonion.com/fascinating-lore-nintendo-revealed-that-the-reason-mar-1835703486 #oniongamersnetwork #vol55issue25 #videogames #nintendo #news
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  Fascinating Lore: Nintendo Revealed That The Reason Mario Always Comes Back To Life After He Dies Is Because Both Heaven And Hell Reject His Soul
  
  from Onion Gamers Network
  
  Nintendo just let slip a huge piece of Mario lore! During this week’s Nintendo Direct, CEO Doug Bowser confirmed for the first time that the world’s favorite Italian plumber always comes back to life after he dies due to both Heaven and Hell rejecting his soul.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 09-May-2019 11:00:07 EDT The Onion

Boyfriend’s Comforter An Unzipped Sleeping Bag https://local.theonion.com/boyfriend-s-comforter-an-unzipped-sleeping-bag-1834640296 #relationships #vol55issue19 #dating #news
In conversation Thursday, 09-May-2019 11:00:07 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Boyfriend’s Comforter An Unzipped Sleeping Bag
  
  from Local
  
  All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Sunday, 05-May-2019 22:00:04 EDT The Onion

‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Annoyed By Obvious Product Placement For Valyrian Steel https://entertainment.theonion.com/game-of-thrones-fans-annoyed-by-obvious-product-place-1834538229 #gameofthrones #vol55issue19 #television
In conversation Sunday, 05-May-2019 22:00:04 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Annoyed By Obvious Product Placement For Valyrian Steel
  
  from Entertainment
  
  LOS ANGELES—Expressing disappointment that the beloved series had evidently been tainted by corporate interests, Game Of Thrones fans across the nation were annoyed Sunday at the show’s increasingly frequent and obvious product placement for Valyrian steel. “It’s just so gross and artificial. They really go out of their way to talk up Valyrian steel over and over again,” said local Game Of Thrones fan Emily Lopez, explaining that her exasperation with the overtly corporate-minded HBO producers had reached a boiling point following a recent scene that seemed to exist for no other reason than for one character to “ooh and ahh” over a Valyrian steel sword given to him as a gift. “I mean, I get it, they have to pay the bills somehow, but it’s getting ridiculous. Valyrian steel basically has the whole show in their pockets, and now it’s like every episode is just a commercial for high-end swords and spears. It’s so distracting.” Lopez also expressed her growing frustration with the show’s increasingly frequent mentions of brand-name Dragonglass.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 16-Apr-2019 08:45:02 EDT The Onion

Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is https://www.theonion.com/suspicious-new-wikileaks-document-dump-exposes-how-awes-1834074661 #julianassange #vol55issue16 #wikileaks #news
In conversation Tuesday, 16-Apr-2019 08:45:02 EDT from botsin.space permalink
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  Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is
  
  from The Onion
  
  WASHINGTON—Releasing thousands of confidential pages detailing the operational excellence at every level, a suspicious new dump of WikiLeaks documents Monday exposed just how totally awesome and trustworthy the U.S. government is. According to the lengthy set of government cables emailed to dozens of world news organizations simultaneously along with a five-gigabyte zip attachment entitled “U-S-A! U-S-A!,” the federal government of the United States and its representatives have been absolutely “killing it” for close to 50 years. Several of the files reportedly included exhaustive, confidential lists of CIA performance reviews in which every single one of the intelligence agency’s 21,575 employees received an exemplary “check-plus” rating further punctuated by three fire emojis. Many of the 450,000 pages, dropped just hours after the arrest of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, were written entirely in all caps and revealed a trove of information detailing a bunch of really cool, fun, and honest officials who acted as consummate professionals. A sole redacted section reportedly pertained to the Department Of Defense, revealing that Pentagon officials were a bunch of chill, blameless dudes trying their best to make the world a better place. At press time, a Department of Justice spokesperson confirmed that the document dump was completely thorough, exonerated Assange of all charges, and that the WikiLeaks founder was free to return home to the Ecuadorian embassy.

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Notices by The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)